Where has the time gone! 

I can not believe my baby girl is 7 months already! It still feels like I was just holding her for the first time in the hospital. The moment I laid eyes on her, I fell in love with his perfect little person who healed my broken heart in a matter of seconds. I had waited for her arrival for 10 months and It felt so surreal that this precious girl was mine to hold and raise. I remember the night after she was born, my siblings visited me in the morning. It was the best feeling ever knowing that my daughter was in the same room as me and people were able to hold her. Such a different experience from the first time I gave birth. 

My sweet baby Korra is going to be 2 years old in a few months and I can still remember being in the hospital bed emotionally hurting because I couldn’t see her or touch her for hours. Then to finding out she stopped breathing and there was nothing I could do. I wish things could have turned out different yet if they had, I know I would not have Kara here with me right now. 

Kara is such a joy to have. She loves to babble and play with other babies. She loves pets and likes to pretend she’s an airplane in her dad’s arm. She loves to eat! If I don’t feed her right away she gets super fussy and demands her food. Am I creating a monster ? lol. Joking.

These past 7 months as a mommy have been so joyful! I can’t wait to see what this new year brings for my family. 

5 months later…

Hello again,

I am seriously the worst at keeping up to date on my page.  I was so busy with work, school, and being pregnant that I got lazy to write about my life. Now that I am not working or in school yet I am ready to start writing again. Even if no one really reads my blogs, I am ok with that since this is my therapy and it helps me let my emotions out.

Looking back on 5 months of not writing, I have not wrote about Korra’s 1st birthday and Kara’s arrival which was not too long ago.

Korra’s first birthday was the hardest day for me. I couldn’t believe how fast the year went by. I remember when I was pregnant with her I had planned her whole first birthday party in my head. Knowing that, that day I was going to be celebrating her birthday decorating her headstone was heartbreaking and unbelievable. My husband and I had lunch with our parents and siblings at a restaurant and then had cake and sang happy birthday to Korra. After we were done. We then went to the cemetery and decorated Korra’s headstone. I had even brought two things that were special to me about Korra. One was a teddy bear with Korra’s heartbeat beating in it and the other one was a bear that weighs the same as Korra did. 4lbs 9oz. Here is a picture of  Korrabear (made from Mollybear) in my maternity picture.


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On June 21, Kara was born at 7:45pm weighing 7lbs 9oz. I had her 6 days before my scheduled c-section.I had two appointments in the morning the day she was born at 9:30am and 10am. When I went to my 10am NST appt. the nurses saw that Kara’s heartbeat was really low. I had 3 RN’s checking her heart rate and after only 5 minutes of being there, a nurse wheel chaired me to labor and delivery.I tried my best to stay calm and leave everything to God. I knew he wouldn’t take another child from me. I mean I just couldn’t imagine having another loss. Once I went to the labor and delivery room I told my family what was going. My mother had showed up to keep me company until my husband got off work. After being in labor and delivery for 6 hours the doctors had an ultrasound tech come into the room to do a biophysical on Kara to check her breathing movements and body movements. Kara had to pass with an 8 for me to be able to be discharged.It took an hour for two doctors to look at her biophysical. They gave Kara a 4, which meant I was going to have my c section that night and boy was I happy….(not about Kara not passing) but because I didn’t want to go home knowing she wasn’t doing well.

I could go on and on about the day Kara was born but I feel like I wrote so much already. So I will continue another day about motherhood and this new journey I am now living. 🙂

 

 

Pregnancy after loss

Pregnancy after a loss is an emotional rollercoaster. I miss Korra everyday and wish she could have been healthy and alive in my arms right now. I remember when I found out I was pregnant with her little sister I was excited and scared . I was excited that I had got pregnant right away after barley starting to try again but scared  because  I was afraid I would have another miscarriage.  It may be easy for me to get pregnant but knowing that I haven’t been able to keep one child yet scares me. With the two losses I have faced, I have come to learn that I will never have a normal pregnancy again.

When I had my second pregnancy with Korra, the only thing I feared in my pregnancy was miscarrying at 10 weeks again. After I had passed the first trimester I did not fear losing her. I thought I was in the safe zone after 14 weeks pregnant. Now that I am pregnant with Korra’s little sister I am scared all the time that something will happen to her. I am 28 weeks pregnant right now and won’t stop stressing over little things until she is in my arms alive and healthy. I haven’t even been able to enjoy my pregnancy like I did with Korra.

  • Choosing a name for this baby took months to do. My husband started talking about names when I was around 14 weeks pregnant and I always told him lets talk about it later. It wasn’t until I was almost 21 weeks that I told him lets think of names. We spent weeks thinking of a name. We finally agreed on a name 2 weeks ago. I haven’t announced it yet.
  • Bi-weekly photos have not happened at all during this pregnancy. Most moms tell me that with their second pregnancy they didn’t take photos of there bumps since they did everything with their first. For me though, its not like that. I liked doing the weekly photos because its amazing to see how your bump grows. I feel that if I hadn’t faced a loss I would have done the bi-weekly photos. I just feared I would lose this child or would get bad news at the anatomy scan.
  • The thought of having a baby shower scares me. My sister in-law and mother in-law have talked about throwing me a diaper shower. I told them it was ok that I didn’t need one but my husband insists that we have one. We kept everything that my friends and family gave us at Korra’s baby shower which was a ton of clothes that I cannot wait to put on my new baby. We still need a few things since we did not get big and little things like a carseat, stroller, bouncer, bottles, etc. We will be having a baby shower with my  family since Korra was born a day before the baby shower I was going to have with my side of the family. Sadly I feel like people wouldn’t want to come to my diaper shower or baby shower because of what happened last time. I lost my sweet Korra after I had my baby showers. Which makes me think they may not want to buy anything. I know its dumb to think that. I had thought about having a baby shower after the baby arrived but my husband said before will be better for me.
  • Having another C-Section frightens me. I don’t want to be cut open again. I have been given the option to have a VBAC but I have been told by my perinatologist that the c-section is safe for baby but risky for me and if the c-section is safe for baby I am all for it. Since I got pregnant 5 1/2 months after Korra’s birth there is a 1% chance my uterus can rupture and hurt me and the baby if decide to do VBAC.

Besides the fear of pregnancy after a loss there are nice things too. One thing I can say that is wonderful about this pregnancy is that my baby girl is so active that I never have to use a fetal doppler to check her heartbeat like I did weekly with Korra. I would have to count Korra’s movements all the time since I couldn’t feel her movements with how much fluid she had in my womb. The movements I feel from Korra’s sister are so different in a good way. She helps ease my mind when she moves because I know she is doing ok inside my womb.

Poems written by Me

This week I had to write two poems for one of my classes called Analysis and Writing of Poetry. This is definitely not a class I  wanted to take because I am not the type of person who is good at writing poems or analyzing them but it is a required class for my Major.  It honestly wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I may not have received A’s on my papers but high B’s were good enough for me. Also the professor grades hard on everything. :/

Anyways, when my professor told us we had to write our own poems all I could think about was Korra and how I wanted to write about my loss. I tried to write my second poem about something else but nothing came to mind.

So I thought I would share the poems that I had written for my classmates to analysis.

“Saying Goodbye”

I can’t help but wonder why

Why you were taken so soon

I never wanted to say goodbye

Your due date was in June

I was able to hold you

and kiss your cheek

in a room of silence

where you were weak

slowly turning blue

my heart beat rapidly

because I knew

that it was almost time

to say goodbye to you

I can’t help but wonder why

Why you were taken so soon

 

 “Forever Changed”

My life has forever changed

since the day you grew wings

in that late spring

I am no longer that girl

people once knew

I am now someone new

My joy has been taken away

since I buried you

Oh how I wish this weren’t true

Psalm 139:13

Psalm 139: 13

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mothers womb.”

A month after Korra had passed away, I stumbled upon this verse in the bible and it helped me understand that she was  only meant to be with me for a day and a half. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. At times I felt like I could have done something to change the outcome, like eat more greens, fruits, and stay away from soda and junk food. I even felt like at the time that it was my fault because I got pregnant soon (3 months later) after having a miscarriage. I even thought that maybe if I had waited longer to get pregnant, I could have had her with me right now but then what if it would not have been her and I would have had a boy. That was me thinking dumb then. I now know the truth, that she is where she is suppose to be and she has made me who I am today. I gave her 8 months of life and she gave me the joy of being her mother and God gave me the gift of being her mother and the joy of having a human being growing in my womb. I will tell her new sister all about her. 

Yes I said new sister. 🙂 Korra is going to be a big sister in heaven! A week and a half ago I had my 20 week anatomy scan with a perinatologist and Korra’s baby sister is healthy as ever! God has blessed us again. 

Although my pregnancy can be hard sometimes because I have flashbacks to when I was pregnant with Korra and had wished a few times that this baby was her. 

 The first 4 months of my pregnancy I did not take pictures of my bump, look up how big my baby was, or try to bond with her. I was scared to get attached to her because I feared I would lose her but then when I was told by the perinatologist that she was healthy. I started loving this little girl who wants to be loved and talked to. It was so amazing to see that she has 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 kidneys, a good umbilical cord, a well developed vertebrae, and a strong heartbeat.

  People had told me pregnancy after a loss is never easy but I felt I was ready to be given another chance to carry a precious life inside my womb. 

With that said, I am so thankful for this blessing and I know when my baby is born, she is going to be loved by her father, me and so many others. ❤️ 

  
 

 

 

 

I am an Aunt to Fraternal Twins ❤️

On January 10th my niece and nephew decided to make their grand entrance into the world 2 months before their due date. They have been in NICU for two weeks already and are progressing everyday into big healthy babies so I have not seen them yet….

That morning I received a group text from my older sister’s fiancé saying that my sister was in labor. I was excited for her  and nervous for me. I was going to have to enter the same hospital where I had Korra. I hadn’t been there since she passed away 😦 I was going to have to walk down the same hallways that  I had walked down to see her and where I cried my heart out for my baby after losing her. 

I told myself I would do my best to not break down. This was my sister’s big day. 

When we had arrived at the hospital my sister was still in the recovery room. So we went to the waiting room but none of our family members were in there. They were in the NICU waiting room. It all felt like a nightmare. My heart was pounding so fast. The NICU waiting room was where mine and my husband’s family had spent most of our time since Korra was in the NICU room. The sadness we had all felt during that time and the tears we had all cried. However, this time my family was laughing together in this room as they waited for my sister to go to her room. 

45 minutes later my sister was wheeled to her room and everyone was able to go visit her. I forgot who told us what her room number was but I couldn’t believe it when I heard it. The room she had been stationed in was the same room I had stayed in. I know what you must be thinking. CRAZY right?!? Out of all the rooms there, why was it that room? My heart just dropped and I wasn’t ready to see her yet. I wanted to break down and cry. How could I walk into that same room smiling when my whole world had fell apart in that room. The room where I got bad news about my baby girl. The room I had to sleep in while my baby was on life support in the NICU. I started to pray for myself in my head and reminded myself of how I strong I am and I could do this. 

I walked into the hallways and walked into the room my sister was in. I congratulated her and gave her a hug. 

About 10-15 minutes later my husband, siblings and I had left since we knew she was exhausted and her room was pretty full with family members. 

As I walked to my car, I thought in my head why me? Why couldn’t I have my baby to hold, love, and care for? 

People always ask me how I feel when I see people have healthy babies to hold once they are born. Especially when it’s family members close to me. That’s definitly another topic I will be posting about. All about my thoughts and feelings and a verse in the bible that I had stumbled upon a month after Korra left me. I have it all written down already so it won’t be too long to post that one. 

Update…

I have been lagging on my posts. and I am so sorry.  I am having a hard time writing about the last day with my baby girl. 😦 Writing all the other posts were easy but having to go back  to the day we lost her has been really hard. I know in time I will write about it, I am just not ready yet. My husband made a video talking about our hospital visit and everything that was going on with Korra. He put it on youtube. You just have to type Korra Anne in the search box if you have not seen it yet.

It has been 7 months since Korra passed away and I am still so heartbroken, that I have thought about going back to therapy. I do not have panic attacks anymore but I do cry and  sometimes get teary while driving to school or driving home from school. I remember starting the school year  being 4 weeks pregnant and then ending the school year being 30 weeks pregnant. So i think that is why I get so emotional on my drives to and from school because I was pregnant the whole time I was in school. I use to always sing to Korra on my drives and feeling her kick me. I would give anything to feel that again.

I am still unemployed.Hopefully soon I will be working again. My husband has been so supportive  in letting me take time off work. I am so thankful for him. I know a few mothers who have had to go back to work after a loss. They are so strong for going back to a place where they were once pregnant. It is definitely not easy.

Here are some pictures from the Walk to Remember event that I attended in Honor of Korra in October. It broke my heart to see all the photos of the babies gone to soon.